Finally, some Hope
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Friday, 09 November 07 - 11:16 AM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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It had been six months without hearing anything. Six months! We had rung the social workers back in August, to ask what was going on, only to be told that the person involved was off on school holidays - summer school holidays take six weeks - how could you put people's lives on hold because of that!
We had been recommended for early medicals, but this somehow changed into early medical reports - and the forms hadn't been sent out by the person involved.
By September, then October, we had basically given up hope, and were coming to the very dark reasoning that by not sending out these forms for six months, that this was the Social Welfare agency's way of telling us we weren't really suitable or something. Thoughts from my side turned back to the hopeful couples we'd shared that first meeting with - here we were, already parents - perhaps they deserved to have more attention spent on them than we did? Self-doubts waved over me over the last few months, particularly with such self-sacrifices taking place in our family lives.
In September this year, I left fultime work. Our daughter began "big school" and we had not been able to locate suitable child-minding outside of office hours which would allow us both to commute to our workplaces. The social workers had all, on phone calls, and visits, nodded enthusiastically about this possible event - we would be looked on so much better, if I was at home to welcome our new adoptee into the family and settle them in.
Instead, I'm not sure just how much they realise what a strain my leaving work has been on the family - financially we now struggle to even buy birthday presents, or feed ourselves. I also feel, on many days, ousted from adult-hood, and society in general. I have been in tears on many occasions towards not being accepted by the other mothers in the school playground, and not having anyone to talk to - simply over a cup of coffee. The past two months have been the hardest in my life, and the resulting stress over money has caused a real strain on our marriage.
We, perhaps, aren't fully clear of that strain as yet - many people who have undergone similar suggest it will take a good six or so months to sort out the budget. My attempts at finding part-time work locally to ease the financial strain have been a bismal failure, and the world in total just seemed against us this year.
Until last week, on our wedding anniversary actually. Although because of the financial strain, my husband didn't bother to acknowledge the anniversary to any extent, he clung onto a letter I informed him arrived that morning. It was very simple - we were invited to attend four days of parenting courses, scheduled in January.
We still had things to sort out between ourselves that weekend, and there were still upsets to negotiate around the following week as I continued to be rejected from hopes of part-time jobs. Our marriage dropped to the lowest degree I believe it has ever got to, but after the tears and stammering attempts to make the family happy again, we looked at the letter, and we accepted.
I remain unsure how this will all pan out. How we can possibly afford to outfit another bedroom out, with no money to do so. Whether a part-time job will jeoporadise this hope in the future. But I so want this. And our daughter and Peter are just so wanting this also.
This week was National Adoption awareness week again. GMTV was again focussing each morning on one of the stories to do with adoption. Their call-centre was ringing with wanna-be adopters, and all I could think was - "get in line!" This time last year we began this whole thing. We rang up that call centre, and followed the guidence. We got in the queue, and a year later, we are finally hopeful that next year we may have a little boy joining our family.
GMTV informed us that they've had 12% less people wanting to adopt over the last year, and many children have been waiting a long time in foster care, to be placed. I don't understand this at all, when we've been in that system for a year now ourselves, with such slow movement towards our assessment.
On Monday morning's GMTV show they showed us a little boy called Jack. He is four, blonde, and perfect. He even looks like he is part of our family already. I could see him here, in the bedroom, playing with our new puppy, and going to football with his new dad. He has been waiting for a new family for ages, and I can't understand why - when he is so perfect.
I know that Jack is not for our family. By the time we ever get through this process, he will surely be snapped up by some very lucky family / couple / single out there. I just hope that somewhere out there is our "Jack" or Ben or whatever his (and his sibling, if there are two of them) are called. And that soon we will meet.
Getting An Understanding
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Thursday, 14 June 07 - 12:39 PM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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Whilst we await another contact from our social worker, I've been trying to get a better understanding of what problems (in business-speak - opportunities) we might encounter when lucky enough to be matched with a child (yes - I know this is a dream of the future, but our social worker kept telling us we should be on adoption boards and forums and things).
I picked up a copy of mychild magazine last weekend, not normally something I read. But coincidentally, this edition has an article on Fostering within GB. There are 10,000 foster carers short in the U.K, and May had a Foster Care Fortnight. These are the people who will be looking after our child before matched with us, and extremely important to me.
The article suggests how important, and difficult it is, to establish trust with these looked after children, and even when just acting as a normal mum and dad, the NSPCC states that 21% of children in care still don't feel safe anyway - because they are not always familiar with living in a normal safe family environment in the first place.
Here's a quote from the article itself (written by Ross Watson) -
They are not always familiar with watching you partake in a couple of civilized drinks on a Sunday without it turning into a boozy session; nor are they always familiar with an arm being put around their shoulders out of love and nothing more.
Which brought home to me again, the differences in adoption here, and how many changes I will need to make to my own parenting skills and style if successful in this.
But oh - how I want it anyway.
Letter of Recommendation
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Monday, 11 June 07 - 08:03 PM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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Last week we received the initial social worker's recommendations and report. It seemed quite surreal to re-read everything which was discussed during her home visit. Almost everything, that is. There were a few minor mistakes in understanding, not enough to bother to correct.
The report did suggest that Peter had not told his own family about our adoption decision, which wasn't quite right - his parents are all primed to have another grandchild. In fact any time we see them they bring the subject up now, without trying to pry that is. I think perhaps, that they are sensing our frustration in this slowness of the process itself also.
The report was as a majority about me. There was so little of Peter in it, that you would easily think I was a single person applying. It's all about the mother's family life, history - in my case my state of being adopted and the feelings recognised there.
My frustrations remain with one little sentence found halfway through answering whether we had experience with children. Answered with a simple statement that we are parents already.
I presume the majority of couples out there are not parents already, and have limited experience raising children, let alone children with some manner of problems associated from their medical or past life. I think that being parents already should have a huge bearing on our selection process (and some problems admittedly, with welcoming a new sudden sibling into the fold). So seeing it dealt with via one very minor sentence like that, whereas the rest dwells on my own family background of some many years ago, seems slightly wrong to me.
But obviously right enough to allow us to proceed further down this road. The report was signed off by ourselves with a statement that it had somebody elses' names in it in one paragraph, but I don't think it was a matter of cut and paste, simply the social worker working on two reports at once. The biggest recommendation out of it, overtop of the fact that we are recommended to continue on with the process, is that we should both have "early" medical screenings.
Um, perhaps I shouldn't have admitted that weight problem quite so readily. How exactly do I prove that at the tender age of 40, I am not capable of bearing a child anymore, despite the fact my doctors don't actually want to say exactly that, for fear of being sued for medical negligence. Instead, it's been hinted around so much (and whilst I was drowsy with anaethesia, no less) that you'd have to be slightly hoping for another immaculate conception from god before this particular body might hold a child again. Instead, I have to do something almost as miraculous, and convince my doctor to actually admit I can't have another baby, and it's all okay, because I'm going down that adoption path.
My hubbie has something wrong with some fluid in his spinal column. It's not something they want to operate for, and not something altering his current ability to be a big boisterous parent for our daughter. It doesn't stop him lifting her up and over his shoulders, and it doesn't stop him giving out big squeezy huggles at her demands. What it does appear to be doing is stopping us going forward (like my own medical problems) until assessed towards whether we could be parents or not from a medical sense.
It's now been six months since the month when we initially applied for this, and it seems such a long journey - especially for our little girl, is waiting so patiently to be a big sister and show her new sibling around the place. I hope all our dreams come true soon. At least we have passed through one minor milestone at the start with that report.
First Social Worker Meeting
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Monday, 07 May 07 - 11:53 AM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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On Friday of last week, we had our first in-house pre-assessment. She'd rung up twice during the week, at times where we were both at work, so when she finally rang during the early evening, I had to grab the opportunity to have her come around. My husband was already working from home that Friday, and I had the afternoon off.
She arrived slightly earlier than the appointment time, and left well over two hours later. She's recommending us to go forward, but after that initial grilling into particularly my own family background, I was in tears on several occassions that afternoon, and seriously considering pulling out of the whole thing - it's just so intrusive.
Adopters who have managed to get through that process for several months, and come out still prepared to take on a looked-after child, get my full respect. We dwelled so much on my past family experiences, that the last seven years of my life - with my dear husband and daughter, appeared to be of little consequence. I found it emotionally huge, and pondered over all my dire old memories for the next day or so. Taking this on is going to be the biggest and possibly worst mission of my life.
My hubbie came out of it, feeling all ready for that next child. He took us out to celebrate that evening, perhaps also so that I could pull myself out of the emotional tangle the questions had put me into also.
But we appeared to get through it, to the next step. We have a few things we have to do, though. There's a questionnaire form we need to fill out - and the social worker suggested we should have someone we can speak to, who has adopted before (nevermind the fact I was adopted myself) and as this was not available within our own support network, it could be helpful if we did it virtually.
Um, does she realise how many websites there are out there now, many of which I've already researched my way around -
- AdoptionUK (this is an offsite from the big international adoption.org) with lots of links to UK websites. Downloadable fact sheets on some things to do with adoption. AdoptionUk has forums, an online Childrens advertising thing, and a lot to offer - again at a cost of around the £40+ mark to subscribe. Thankfully, the forums are free to register with.
- Be My Parent - this is one of those advertising newspapers which advertise children ready for adoption. They are opening up a website this month. Unfortunately, the magazine itself costs £42 to subscribe to - and for people like us who have not, as yet, even got through the big assessment, there appears little point in reading about lots of children we will want to parent.
- BAAF - the British Association for Adoption and Fostering - links to other sites, and first information for us all. BAAF are the people who provide those huge forms we have to undergo for our assessment.
- Adopting.com - international site, referred to by the UK sites. Includes a list of some forums, but not any linked with the U.K.
Online Lifebook Course
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Friday, 27 April 07 - 07:00 PM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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This one came via some nice American Digital scrappers. The link is to Adoption Learning Partnership, who provide a nice lot of links, questions, adoption stories and a free course online for creating lifebooks.
Although obviously American the stories are particularly appealing, and they deal with older child adoptions domestically also. I noticed one story even talks about the child arriving with a pre-made lifebook from their social worker - which is similar to how the social workers we spoke with six weeks ago said they operate.
However, being a scrapbooker, you can pretty much be assured that I will be creating all sorts of albums including all sorts of memories and histories there.
There's Got To be an Award for Waiting.
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Friday, 27 April 07 - 06:57 PM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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Yes, after 6 weeks, we've not heard anything from the authorities. Not even a simple letter or phone call to tell us they'd received our application letter.
The Initial Meeting
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Thursday, 15 March 07 - 08:06 PM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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It has taken me a while to process today's events, and I notice that Peter has done it in an interesting way for himself. We arrived home this afternoon, and at an early time, he went and fetched our daughter from nursery school. Then he spent time in the living room and study just playing with her. Through the sounds of girlish giggles I sat at the computer here, and didn't process much at all. All I knew was - the sound of our daughter giggling is one which I want to share with another child. I want to make that child giggle too.
Peter and I attended our first adoption meeting this morning. We were prompt, and arrived early at the Community Centre being used for the meeting. There were four other couples there that morning, and one single woman. The meeting was presented by two social workers, who were joined by their new boss who had recently been appointed - his job title is something like Manager of Standards and Practices. He also heads up the Adoption Panel, where our case is heard before at some distant point in the future.
The two hour meeting had a formal agenda. We were told about the following -
The Legislation behind the Adoption Act, and it's new found emphasis on the child's needs firstly.
Why Children Arrive to be Adopted
Contact with Birth Families
The Process itself
For me, I found the speeches and information fascintating, although not new knowledge. I was also intrigued to see the various other couples around the semi-circle of chairs there. I think that Peter and I were possibly the only parents there, and many were much younger than ourselves. Both Peter and I jumped in with many questions and the answers received were long and fruitful. Perhaps it was our backgrounds in management also, but Peter commented afterwards that no matter what the questions from us, we also engaged in the answers much more - we nodded, and drew the answers out into discussions. The others didn't appear able to do this, and their own questions, as few as there was, were somewhat niave. One finally spoke about some feelings he knew of, where he had some friends who were adopted. I sat there thinking - yes, speak in the third person - at least you have some empathy towards knowing a tiny bit of what you may be taking on. But none of them looked like they had much experience with children at all.
I'm trying not to be frustrated by the long-winded-ness of the whole process. But we sat there, and we had to build a triangle of adoption, with the child, birth parents and adopters at each corner, and then were asked how we thought each one felt about adoption. When asked about the child's feelings, I immediately jumped in with the word, "rejection" and although they put it up there, I became aware that they weren't picking up on my own background with adoption.
I also asked some awkward questions, having picked up on some terms the social workers were using. In one discussion one lady had talked about successful placements, so being the enquirer I stupidly am, I asked her how "successful" was actually judged - and managed to put her onto a defensive spot where she felt uncomfortable in having to suggest that sometimes adoptions don't work out, especially when teenage children are rebelling against adults anyway. My questions became embarrassing for me, and half way through I decided to shut up.
Most of the other couples were there, because they'd gone through perhaps years of fertility treatment and could not have their own children. I have a lot of sympathy for them, but realise also just how much of a shock adopting in an older child is going to bring to all of them. Learning to parent with a newborn baby is hard enough, but to be a parent of a readimade child, arriving with a series of history which means they have been taken away from their own parents - well, it's making even me tremble a little.
We spoke a lot about contact with the birth families. Originally Peter had been the one who didn't like this idea, and I the one who knew it was right - to give the child a remaining sense of identity. Most of the children available for adoption have court orders which come with them, towards normally something called letterbox contact. Normally yearly (perhaps more often) a letter with photographs is exchanged from child / adopter to the birth parent and back - both travel via the Social Welfare office, to keep the anonomity of addresses etc. Before this, an actual meeting is also encouraged, for a brief hour, where the birth parent(s) and adopters meet to speak. This had everyone cringing, as we'd been made aware that the top reasons for a child going into care and then adoption are - neglect, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse. And here we might be openly meeting with people who may have done this to a child.
However, the social workers pointed out that at this point in time, the child has normally been in social care for a year, and the parents have had that year to be supported in changing their ways, and if it's got to the point where the child is being adopted out to a suitable matched family, then the parents are normally very chastened and extremely sad at that point. I think we all, as potential adopters, had visions of this meeting becoming abusive in itself.
There are other possible contact orders. If the child is coming from a large family (and the social workers were at pains to point out that many did come from large families) where siblings were also unfortunately having to be adopted out, and also split up (not many people take on four or five siblings) then there might be an order for the sibling adoptees to be in contact with each other, and perhaps grandparents etc. This might be as simple as meeting up with fellow adopters of the family for a picnic once a year or similar. A video did show us that these meetings were often something which many of the children did not want to do and which changed their behaviour a lot.
From a history of being that adopted child, I must say, I would be insistant on our child (if we're ever successful) having as much contact with some of their family as possible. And the social workers did mention they arrive with a life book, but being a digital scrapper, I'd want to do up one swanking big one, so that my child really does have a sense of identity, history, and family - from both sides of his families. I feel it is critically important.
The process is even longer than we hoped for, however. After the 2 hour meeting we've just experienced, we now have to somehow get through the following -
Write a letter of interest to the adoption agency (yes, we've sent it already, first class post)
Have an in-home interview with our assigned social worker, to fill in an application form. We've got that already, and I guess we'll now have to wait another month to get to see someone.
Go through four full days of adoption training - they schedule this over four days around a weekend, but not on the same week. From 10 - 4pm. So this means for us, taking more days off work, and somehow arranging a baby sitter for our daughter over the weekend days. Not exactly family orientated, and I'm of course, wondering about the content.
After this training, the references and medicals kick in - from health and safety checks of our home (we never had that when we became parents!) to Police criminal records checks, a medical with our doctor, even checks on our pets. Oh, and our daughter's school or nursery will be requested to interview for a reference. Along with that, we somehow have to find two personal references, who will again be interviewed, and who should have known us as a couple for three or so years. Plus a family reference. I think we're going to struggle with that one, as one of those references was going to be from our Nursery school manager, who's the only one we know who's known us that long.
Then there's up to eight (yes - eight!) visits to our home to fill out the gigantic adoption form.
Then a visit to the adoption panel where our case is finally explored.
And in what seems like a year's time - we may or we may not have arrived at a point where we might be able to adopt a child, if there is one who matches with us.
You know what - despite all of this - and it does appear, on writing it down, to be absolutely the hardest work I've ever put us through as a couple - I just want to welcome a little boy (or maybe even two?) into our family. And our daughter really really does want a brother. So, let's get this show on the road...
Online Storage Evaluation Table
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Thursday, 08 March 07 - 07:01 PM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in General |
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Too Much Information
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Tuesday, 20 February 07 - 07:36 PM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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Just to explain, my day job is one of a tester for a company which develops software for the childrens services marketplace. And what did I find myself involved with today, as pure coincidence?
A full day's workshop developing the requirements for a fostering and adoption management software system. How ironic. And I discovered far too much than I should have known, perhaps, as someone who has a wish around this area. I discovered that currently some of the forms involved in paper copy at the moment, are up to 50 pages long. I discovered that at any stage during this process that I could be rejected as not going onto the register for adoption. And I discovered that I can appeal this, but only twice.
Although the social agency can take as long as they want in the process, I have 28 days only to appeal a decision. There is an adoption panel also, sort of like a board of governors for a school. There is also some strangeness around foreign adoptions, where an adoptee parent can virtually hire the local authority to provide a service in assessment of the child, and inroads into registering that child via the Department of Education. Yes, it apparently costs money, and Great Britain only allows children coming into the country - none go out. Perhaps that's an indication of just how many children there are, against the amount of potential adoptors over here.
What was good about this knowledge gathering was the emphasis I saw being placed on the local authorities duty in care for the child at all times. It may make becoming an adoptive parent extortionately difficult, but those children are very much looked after within the system. The fostering side of things is interesting also. Our local authorities have such a large task in managing foster care for children locally.
Interesting stuff, if not a little off-putting towards the many forms of assessment I could come a-cropper from in the near future.
Anger whilst Waiting
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Saturday, 17 February 07 - 07:51 PM (GMT) By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption |
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Well, I did not intend blogging again, until the first adoption meeting has taken place, but find myself over-thinking things this last week.
On the news yesterday was the story of four women convicted of child cruelty here in the UK somewhere. These were four women from the same family, who had videoed two toddlers who were made to fight with each other. One little boy, aged two, was punched in the face by the little girl, and when he started crying and went to his mother for comfort she called him names, and told him to go back to fighting.
That entire family needs wiping off this earth, I'm afraid. Take those kids, and give them to all the many couples I know of who are crying out for children.
At the same time, my neighbours - a couple of police inspectors, have taken up new roles within the police force. One of them is now the local child cruelty inspector, and I do not at all envy her that job. Peter has an old old mate of his who is a lawyer who used to take on the child protection legalities for the policeforce, and has some obviously dark tales to tell of things done to children around Cambridge. I just can't believe this goes on.
On the opposite side of things, I am currently at work, dealing with a new pregnancy in my team. The woman concerned, a staff member, has had some horrific pregnancies previously, and I can't suggest how pleased I am for her now, after years of struggle. She is rosy and healthy and learning all about her maternity rights through me.
All of this is a little bittersweet however, as I'd just announced my own plans to attempt the adoption route, and now feel guilty myself as this woman, who greatly deserves all the attention and congratulations she is getting, looks at me and tries to hide her own slight feelings of guilt because I can't have any more children, and she's pregnant. We are such a complicated creature, we humans - are we not? I'm sure both of us will soon get over this.
... More items are available in my News Archive
