The Initial Meeting
|
 |
By Michelle Thompson in About an Adoption Published: Thursday, 15 March 07 - 08:06 PM (GMT) Last Updated: Friday, 16 March 07 - 07:45 PM (GMT) |
| ||
It has taken me a while to process today's events, and I notice that Peter has done it in an interesting way for himself. We arrived home this afternoon, and at an early time, he went and fetched our daughter from nursery school. Then he spent time in the living room and study just playing with her. Through the sounds of girlish giggles I sat at the computer here, and didn't process much at all. All I knew was - the sound of our daughter giggling is one which I want to share with another child. I want to make that child giggle too.
Peter and I attended our first adoption meeting this morning. We were prompt, and arrived early at the Community Centre being used for the meeting. There were four other couples there that morning, and one single woman. The meeting was presented by two social workers, who were joined by their new boss who had recently been appointed - his job title is something like Manager of Standards and Practices. He also heads up the Adoption Panel, where our case is heard before at some distant point in the future.
The two hour meeting had a formal agenda. We were told about the following -
The Legislation behind the Adoption Act, and it's new found emphasis on the child's needs firstly.
Why Children Arrive to be Adopted
Contact with Birth Families
The Process itself
For me, I found the speeches and information fascintating, although not new knowledge. I was also intrigued to see the various other couples around the semi-circle of chairs there. I think that Peter and I were possibly the only parents there, and many were much younger than ourselves. Both Peter and I jumped in with many questions and the answers received were long and fruitful. Perhaps it was our backgrounds in management also, but Peter commented afterwards that no matter what the questions from us, we also engaged in the answers much more - we nodded, and drew the answers out into discussions. The others didn't appear able to do this, and their own questions, as few as there was, were somewhat niave. One finally spoke about some feelings he knew of, where he had some friends who were adopted. I sat there thinking - yes, speak in the third person - at least you have some empathy towards knowing a tiny bit of what you may be taking on. But none of them looked like they had much experience with children at all.
I'm trying not to be frustrated by the long-winded-ness of the whole process. But we sat there, and we had to build a triangle of adoption, with the child, birth parents and adopters at each corner, and then were asked how we thought each one felt about adoption. When asked about the child's feelings, I immediately jumped in with the word, "rejection" and although they put it up there, I became aware that they weren't picking up on my own background with adoption.
I also asked some awkward questions, having picked up on some terms the social workers were using. In one discussion one lady had talked about successful placements, so being the enquirer I stupidly am, I asked her how "successful" was actually judged - and managed to put her onto a defensive spot where she felt uncomfortable in having to suggest that sometimes adoptions don't work out, especially when teenage children are rebelling against adults anyway. My questions became embarrassing for me, and half way through I decided to shut up.
Most of the other couples were there, because they'd gone through perhaps years of fertility treatment and could not have their own children. I have a lot of sympathy for them, but realise also just how much of a shock adopting in an older child is going to bring to all of them. Learning to parent with a newborn baby is hard enough, but to be a parent of a readimade child, arriving with a series of history which means they have been taken away from their own parents - well, it's making even me tremble a little.
We spoke a lot about contact with the birth families. Originally Peter had been the one who didn't like this idea, and I the one who knew it was right - to give the child a remaining sense of identity. Most of the children available for adoption have court orders which come with them, towards normally something called letterbox contact. Normally yearly (perhaps more often) a letter with photographs is exchanged from child / adopter to the birth parent and back - both travel via the Social Welfare office, to keep the anonomity of addresses etc. Before this, an actual meeting is also encouraged, for a brief hour, where the birth parent(s) and adopters meet to speak. This had everyone cringing, as we'd been made aware that the top reasons for a child going into care and then adoption are - neglect, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse. And here we might be openly meeting with people who may have done this to a child.
However, the social workers pointed out that at this point in time, the child has normally been in social care for a year, and the parents have had that year to be supported in changing their ways, and if it's got to the point where the child is being adopted out to a suitable matched family, then the parents are normally very chastened and extremely sad at that point. I think we all, as potential adopters, had visions of this meeting becoming abusive in itself.
There are other possible contact orders. If the child is coming from a large family (and the social workers were at pains to point out that many did come from large families) where siblings were also unfortunately having to be adopted out, and also split up (not many people take on four or five siblings) then there might be an order for the sibling adoptees to be in contact with each other, and perhaps grandparents etc. This might be as simple as meeting up with fellow adopters of the family for a picnic once a year or similar. A video did show us that these meetings were often something which many of the children did not want to do and which changed their behaviour a lot.
From a history of being that adopted child, I must say, I would be insistant on our child (if we're ever successful) having as much contact with some of their family as possible. And the social workers did mention they arrive with a life book, but being a digital scrapper, I'd want to do up one swanking big one, so that my child really does have a sense of identity, history, and family - from both sides of his families. I feel it is critically important.
The process is even longer than we hoped for, however. After the 2 hour meeting we've just experienced, we now have to somehow get through the following -
Write a letter of interest to the adoption agency (yes, we've sent it already, first class post)
Have an in-home interview with our assigned social worker, to fill in an application form. We've got that already, and I guess we'll now have to wait another month to get to see someone.
Go through four full days of adoption training - they schedule this over four days around a weekend, but not on the same week. From 10 - 4pm. So this means for us, taking more days off work, and somehow arranging a baby sitter for our daughter over the weekend days. Not exactly family orientated, and I'm of course, wondering about the content.
After this training, the references and medicals kick in - from health and safety checks of our home (we never had that when we became parents!) to Police criminal records checks, a medical with our doctor, even checks on our pets. Oh, and our daughter's school or nursery will be requested to interview for a reference. Along with that, we somehow have to find two personal references, who will again be interviewed, and who should have known us as a couple for three or so years. Plus a family reference. I think we're going to struggle with that one, as one of those references was going to be from our Nursery school manager, who's the only one we know who's known us that long.
Then there's up to eight (yes - eight!) visits to our home to fill out the gigantic adoption form.
Then a visit to the adoption panel where our case is finally explored.
And in what seems like a year's time - we may or we may not have arrived at a point where we might be able to adopt a child, if there is one who matches with us.
You know what - despite all of this - and it does appear, on writing it down, to be absolutely the hardest work I've ever put us through as a couple - I just want to welcome a little boy (or maybe even two?) into our family. And our daughter really really does want a brother. So, let's get this show on the road...
2 Comments so far: |
Leave a comment |
| An Adoption Story | Sharon | 03/17/07 |
| notes from someone who's been there | carole Huxel | 03/23/07 |
|
Top | Reply to this Title: An Adoption Story Author: Sharon (http://lifeofscraps.blogspot.com/) Date Posted: 17 Mar 2007 12:08 AM (GMT) You have probably read too many of these already (and this is a NZ one) but thought you might be interested in this story: http://www.kiwiblog.co.nz/2007/03/adoption.html Good luck with this process. |
|
Top | Reply to this Title: notes from someone who's been there Author: carole Huxel Date Posted: 23 Mar 2007 12:40 PM (GMT) Hello, Michell, it's Carole in NH, USA. I've been keeping track with your story, and have some notes to share. One thing I want to point out is that the process is like a snowball off a hilltop- once it's rolling it will really pick up speed, so don't despair. And the time that it does take is important- my husband and I spend our time before our last two adoptions making sure that the core of our family, ourselves, our bio son, and our older adopted son (who came first) were tight and healthy, so if the placement was a disappointment, we would still remain a family and would be able to go on. Another thing I want to point out- your adoption story is your own, and your child will have their own. It's the One Big Thing that you take away from foster care- you own your own history, even if you are only a little child. It's important to keep in mind that they will call the shots about what they want to do, who they want to keep in touch with, and when they want to visit. There's a place where you won't fit into their decisions, and it will come sooner than you think. My daughter was 6 when she arrived, and by age 10 she had requested permission to do her own letters and contact with b/family...which she promptly and deliberately discontinued. She wanted them "out of my life right now" so she could concentrate on what was really important (cheerleading). Even after 4 years she was still getting used to her new life, and she just wanted to edit out "the bad parts." I promised that when she was ready we would go to Ca. and meet them and whatever she wanted, that she can make the decisions about who, when, and how much. When she turned 16 I gave her the box with all the court papers and stuff, and she spent a day looking through it, then it went back into the attic. It's clear she's not ready for this relationship, and it's her call. My expectations and my ability to deal with the b/family is predicated on my being a stable, 49 year old adult in a healthy marriage and having experienced a very healthy childhood. My daughter doesn't have those supports and come into that b/family relationship with much fewer coping skills. Keep that in mind. I think, reading your post, that you and your husband are really heading in the right direction, and that your questions are strong and sensible. Keep asking them. When my youngest kids arrived, the very first night, my daughter wound up sitting on the couch all night, holding hands with my bio son. He was 8, she was 6, and they just clicked. All my kids are really comfortable with each other, and the "A Word" is hardly ever an issue. Except when people comment on how we don't look alike (my youngest two are Mexican heritage). Then we laugh about it later. I think a whole lot is based on the expectation of success vs. how much work you want to do with the relationship. If you think love will just happen on Day One, then you're in trouble (like some of those younger couples). If you know that anything worth having is worth working for, then you'll be alright. -c
|
Have your say on this article:
<-- Back
